On this spooky Halloween episode of The Collective, I host and we try the following premises:

• 00:14:44 Waiting in my candy van in the parking lot for a kid to come back with the money (@milkbox)
• 00:20:57 Booking a room for one hour under a fake name, because I'm faithful to my wife 24 hours a day but tomorrow has 25 hours (@andyanderson)
• 00:25:11 Reporting that my aunt got into my Vaseline and smeared it on everything in the room (Mr. LallyBirdie)
• 00:33:01 Inviting the front desk to do the monster mash, asking for a snack for my unregistered bird, and checking if their refrigerator is running (@DespicableDogs)
• 00:40:18 Telling a truck stop my secret: I see French people (@ItsTiff)
• 00:44:15 Booking a stay as Vlad, arriving at midnight, leaving in January, no daylight please, and is there garlic? (MichaelRickard)
• 00:50:02 Reporting that my bathroom mirror shows no reflection and the faucet is dripping blood (@milkbox)
• 00:55:32 Booking a room as Little Nicky from the underworld, with my duck Quackers reading the card number (@greenimp)
• 01:01:49 Asking if the hotel is haunted, then sharing how my aunt Carol dated a ghost for three years and sent him money (AnteaterTPose)
• 01:11:55 Reporting a kid in a banana costume who stole my pumpkin carved with Kenny Loggins' face (@CyberspaceGhost)
• 01:14:39 Flushing pumpkin guts down the toilet and asking if the engineer wears a cute train hat (@CyberspaceGhost)
• 01:18:09 Complaining an employee gave my son a greased potato for "harvest time" (@WildOne)
• 01:19:22 Asking if I need to shower, since my zombie costume is made of rotting meat (@WildOne)
• 01:23:00 Asking who stole the pumpkins from the patch I've been growing on the hotel roof (@Crimson)
• 01:28:45 Asking if the kid who ran from my candy van went into the hotel, then needing a plunger for pumpkin pulp (@Moxietxt)
• 01:32:20 Offering a clerk a sales job for my new invention, legal methamphetamine (@Saturn)
• 01:37:46 Reporting my roommate clogged the toilet making pumpkin soup, and asking how I can tell if I'm in a room (AaronHernandezCFO)
• 01:42:01 Trick-or-treating door to door inside the hotel and asking which rooms are occupied (@IRegretJumping)
• 01:46:40 A mystery call asking a liquor store clerk his purpose in life (@gretagarbage)
• 01:50:20 Bringing a bus of 30 kids who need candy, with the kids on speaker (@IceCat)
• 01:54:10 Knocking on doors looking for my Tinder date, then revealing it was a corporate privacy test (Mr. LallyBirdie)
• 01:58:55 Holding the phone up to my sink so the front desk can hear the plumbing (@ItsTiff and the group)
• 02:01:17 Complaining that a candy-colored clown called the Sandman keeps knocking on my door (Mr. Kramer)
• 02:04:22 Getting lost in a white room full of cables with a stop sign that says EOST (Michael Rickard)
• 02:10:09 Playing hide and tweak with my buddy, and now I'm stuck on a ledge in the elevator shaft (@Aries)
• 02:15:50 Sending all the hotel guests down to my party bus for candy hopping (@milkbox)

PS. the Collective has an amazing website now, built by @IceCat https://thecallective.com Check it out!

Thanks to

• @AnteaterTPose for running the show
• @IregretJumping for substituting when @anteater took pee breaks
• @every caller who joined
• @all Patreons

On this episode I try the following premises:

• Asking hotels for the retroactive extra hour I missed out on during the daylight saving time changeover
• Letting the front desk know I'm cashing in my missing extra hour in an unlocked room
• Calling from a room I opened with a credit card, and offering to rummage through the guest's suitcase to figure out whose room it is
• Asking hotels what's up with the perverts in the tree
• Asking a hotel to redo Halloween with candy, decorations, and someone in costume, because my ex had our son on Halloween
• Demanding a refund because my vending machine pastry didn't have enough cream filling
• Asking laundromats if they have donations ready for our used panty drive
• chastising laundromats for separating whites and colors (hattip @iregretjumping)
• Asking people to write down my new number

Thanks to:

• @RSwedonia for the show title
• @DavidLevy for the lock picking idea
• @AndyAnderson for the perverts in a tree reminder
• @iregretjumpnig
• all Patreons

On this short episode I try the following premises:

• Returning a thermos full of premium gasoline I borrowed from cars in the hotel parking lot
• Asking whose job I'm taking over at the front desk
• Confessing that I've been siphoning feathers from hotel pillows for years to make and sell new pillows
• Introducing myself as the new manager and coaching a clerk on a heartier, faster phone greeting
• Asking the front desk to watch my race dogs, until 4AM while I go to the club
• Asking clerks to please hurry and move faster, without ever explaining for what

Thanks to

• @PhoneLosers for the race dogs idea
• @YourMum for the "go slower" idea
• @AndyAnderson for the shoe title
• all Patreons

On this spooktacular pre-loween episode I try to create legends in hotels by reporting ghost encounters:

• Asking a hotel if it's haunted after a sad maid from the 1920s walked right through me on the stairs (the clerk confirmed they have a ghost in a flannel shirt)
• Following a dream to a hotel, where I saw a woman in 90s clothes with a crying baby arguing with someone named Walter on the stairwell, then vanishing
• Letting a known haunted hotel know our amateur ghost hunting club performed an exorcism and removed the bones from their property
• Reporting a haunted bathroom where every faucet turned on by itself and a hand reached up from below to flush the toilet while I was sitting on it
• Tracking down Room 112, where I believe I was conceived before being dropped off at an orphanage by a woman who died 70 years earlier
• Calling a number that came to me in a vision and getting a crash course in the Urantia Book, despite my short term memory loss
• Warning hotels about a dream where their phone number burned like the sun above the message "All is peril in the land of ice" (one clerk worked out what it meant and brought in housekeeping)

Thanks to

• @eingilardi for the spooky calls idea
• @iRegretJumping for the exorcism idea
• @itsTiff for the haunted hotel and the Urantia number
• @Speem and @Bray90820 for the haunted hotel numbers
• all Patreons

On this episode I try the following premises:

• I'm Running for hotel general manager and asking the front desk staff for their vote (my platform: a pool in every room and double overtime)
• Letting a clerk know I wrote him in as a candidate for general manager in hotel elections
• Petitioning to rename the general manager position to "general personager," as a feminist (or fewomanist as they should really be called)
• Warning hotels that there's no lobbying allowed in the lobby within 50 feet of the hotel voting machines
• Delivering three voting booths on a pallet to a lobby
• Booking an entire motel to convert every room into a voting booth
• Asking a Hampton Inn to vote on shutting the other Hampton Inn down
• Reporting a man walking his dog while naked under his clothes
• Reporting a man walking through the parking lot with a spooky skeleton inside of him
• Asking taxidermists to turn a medical cadaver into a Halloween skeleton, and to stuff my neighbor's cat so he never finds out I hit it
• Asking a taxidermist to reverse the taxidermy on my deer so I can set it free

Happy Halloween! And check out deadair.co.

Thanks to

• @kali for the lobbying, electional dysfunction, and reverse taxidermy ideas
• @And Anderson for the write-in idea
• @Starry for the genital erection pun
• all Patreons

On this episode I try the following premises:

• Asking hotels to watch my great aunt at the front desk for 20 minutes because my wife is ovulating (one clerk gave us Room 4 for free)
• Announcing that I'm ovulating, and asking if we can use the hotel dumpster for privacy if they just tell guests it's being fumigated
• Asking a clerk to distract my wife for 20 minutes because my aunt is ovulating
• Recruiting the front desk to be my wingman with a newlywed bride by distracting her husband (I offered $6)
• Leaving my great aunt chained to a pole with my manacles while we conceive, and naming the baby after the motel owners
• Informing hotels that I am testiculating
• Asking where to put my deceased great aunt's urn, and then my taxidermied golden retriever, so they're not in the car while we conceive (plus a very detailed explanation of how conception works)
• Calling into a live hip hop call in show and asking for a brother pass
• Asking what's in the hotel receipt paper I ate, since I'm lactose intolerant
• Warning hotels about a man in the parking lot who is suing all over people, deposing witnesses, and filing a birthday suit
• Sending my kid to the hotel in an Uber so the front desk can watch her until 2AM while I'm at the casino
• Asking Trader Joe's if my service dog Guinevere (two poodles in a trench coat) has finished doing my grocery shopping
• Tracking down my robot personal shopper that went offline in Trader Joe's (it looks like an old lady)

Thanks to

• @IRegretJumping for the show title "testiculating," the ovulating aunt, and the casino ideas
• @JoeFather for the standing ovulation
• @ParkMan for finding the live call in show
• @kali for the robot shopper idea
• @dialer for the sound effects board
• all Patreons

On this episode I try the following premises:

• Asking a senior living facility what the max saturation rate is for visitors, since legally I can be as wet as I want
• Becoming a human sponge to carry water through the lobby and fill the kiddie pool I set up in my Grammy's room (I also filled my truck bed from their hose)
• Calling a second facility from inside their maintenance shed, wearing an inflatable dinosaur suit I filled with water from their hose, because Grammy never learned to swim
• Asking about the rules on viscous liquids so Grammy can walk on cornstarch, honey, and molasses like Jesus, for our YouTube channel where we do science experiments on our grandma
• Laying a plexiglass sheet across a hotel pool so Grammy can walk on water, followed by a walk over hot coals and an on-site cremation before we put her down
• Getting sick after eating my hotel receipt
• Confessing to a bed and breakfast that we stealth camped on their property for three nights (he wants $60 left in a can in the outdoor kitchen)
• Finding someone to walk the maid of honor down the aisle at our stealth wedding behind the hotel, and borrowing white towels for the bride
• Looking for bolt cutters I can work with one hand to get out of my manacles (it's a Halloween costume, I swear)

Also on this episode: the discovery of the real Frank Katz. Rest in peace to a fellow drummer.

Thanks to

• Matt McCusker and Shane Gillis for the "legally I can be as wet as I want" concept
• @DespicableDogs for the walk on water graphic
• all Patreons

Yay it's Dingtember! On this episode I try the following premises:

• Asking hotels to leave an apology note on the car I dinged in their parking lot, since the hotel shares half the blame (it's their parking lot)
• Calling back the people who got my Dingtember notes, including one whose truck I dinged while tap dancing on it like the guy in the commercial
• Dictating an apology note for the cars I dinged while drunk, and asking the clerk to finish breaking the cracked window so they can get the insurance money (it takes rock bottom to look up)
• Apologizing for dinging the hotel itself, and asking the clerk to lactate the note in a nice flowery lady's handwriting
• Moving a stranger's car out of the lot after I dinged it and looking for a ditch to leave it in so they'll blame the homeless guy
• Having the front desk write "I accept full responsibility" on a note for me
• Calling from my CB radio after the woman from Craigslist stole my phone, and FINALLY getting the clerk to say "Master Base to Black Ice to Completion!")
• Confessing to a senior living center that I dinged three cars practicing speed bump jumps in a stranger's car I found while squeegeeing windshields
• Bringing my emotional attack dog into an assisted living facility
• Asking for a reward for honestly reporting the car I dinged, then asking the clerk to scrub the camera footage

Welcome back, @Devonanustart!

Thanks to

• @PhoneLosers for the Dingtember numbers
• @omnom for the hotel apology note idea
• @BJMolton for the emotional attack dog idea
• @IRegretJumping for the cup of gasoline line
• @AndyAnderson for the CB radio sound
• @Preston, @GlobalChaosRadio, and @Jellybean for joining as meatmembers
• all Patreons

On this episode I try the following premises:

• Booking a hotel room near my grandmother, who has cancer, and making sure to bring up the cancer at every opportunity
• Leading the front desk clerk in a prayer to cast Grandma Rose's tumor back into Hades
• Asking about the weekly cancer rate, whether her diabetes stacks with the AARP discount, the hot tub rate, and whether I can vacuum or do the maids' work for a discount
• Asking if Grandma can visit me during men's hours
• Leaving Grandma (oxygen tank, catheter, colostomy bag) at the front desk under some coats while I run errands, until the hotel security OB GYN arrives at 10PM
• Pinning her DNR paperwork to her sweater and asking the staff to please not resuscitate her
• Hiding Grandma from my cousin Brad Sanchez, who's after her chateau in Lake Placid, with a decoy grandma, deflated tires, a locked bathroom, or the hotel recycling bin

Short show tonight so we could raid over to @Devonanustart big comeback show. Happy Dingtember!

Thanks to

• all Patreons

On this episode I try the following premises:

• Calling hotels from my CB radio because someone took my phone, and getting the clerks to say "over" and use our call signs (goal: "Master Base to Black Ice")
• Booking 10 to 12 rooms so my team can secretly install more Flock cameras in the bathrooms and elevators
• Asking if anyone turned in the bag of baby teeth I lost while napping in a stranger's unlocked red Pinto in the parking lot
• Reporting my missing bag of polished gallstones and kidney stones (I need them for my marble tournament), plus 30 cubic feet of cured lower intestine
• Tracking down my missing trucker pee jugs
• Looking for my grandma's antique Bible, the one with the hollowed out compartment where I keep my funyuns and grandma's ashes
• Losing a transplant liver from my medical transport van and checking the hotel dumpsters for it
• Complaining that the hotel poisoned the mice I've been breeding in their dumpster to feed my albino pit viper, then needing help getting my wheelchair out of the dumpster
• Cashing in the free suite the old manager Fantasia promised me for returning a bag of the hotel's money, for my Bible study group
• Keeping guests off the 3rd floor so we can finish our social media video (they get producer credit)
• Room sitting for a guest and asking how to charge things to their account
• Canceling my ex wife's new boyfriend's room so I can keep the refund, or at least double booking it
• Reporting a guest for smoking in his room after I spotted him on Live Flock Cams

Thanks to

• @AndyAnderson for the CB radio sound effects
• @IRegretJumping for the medical transport and room refund ideas
• @kali for the Flock cam smoking idea
• @IceStorm07 for becoming a Meatmember
• all Patreons

On this episode I try the following premises:

• Asking a furniture store for a hookup on a one night stand, used pantries, a little side piece, and a nice rack
• Buying hamsters from a pet store manager who keeps making it weird with all his talk of hand taming
• Getting a vacuum repair shop to help me get uncoupled
• Booking an escape room to help prank my frat brother Billy with an increasingly ridiculous custom request
• Calling Dairy Queen as their neighbor to complain about the noise while I'm trying to sleep and also throw a party
• Booking a non sexual massage with a sad ending
• Confessing to hotels that I'm a burned out prank caller trying to make things right
• Asking a front desk clerk for a prank do over so I can apologize properly

Fair warning: I was getting burned out here, so this may not be my best episode.

Thanks to

• @YourMum for "nothing sexual"
• @omnom for the pet store idea
• @DespicableDogs for the escape room idea
• @Gordo for the massage numbers
• @Andy Anderson for the burnout confession idea
• all Patreons!

On this episode I try the following premises, including a bunch of takeawish.org calls:

• Booking a hotel ballroom for my charity's "Free Underage Cage Kids" fundraiser, with 65 to 90 guests (mostly men), and asking about the hotel water's PSI and pH levels
• Working out cage logistics for kid gladiators wrestling tiger cubs while the donors place bets, plus stackable cages, a televised elevator cage match, and the hotel's ballroom of 1,776 balls
• Calling back to say Take a Wish approved the venue, and asking the clerk for dirt to butter up the general manager
• Hosting the Chemo Champions: sick kids battle in an arena and the winner gets a free round of chemo, live streamed on the hotel wifi (nerf swords for the test run only)
• Asking if the hotel accepts pdf files (but pronouncing it puhduhphile")
• Calling from inside a hotel maintenance closet to complain about how disorganized it is, while I borrow a drill to hang clocks so my friend makes his flight
• Hand drilling 52 ventilation holes in a motel roof (the owner's husband brought me his cordless drill)
• Subcontracting for Glory, drilling patented glory holes in a lodge roof and asking for sandpaper because I'm getting splinters
• Asking to get paid for the Biggie Smalls mural I just finished on the back of the lodge
• Leaving helium tanks overnight for the Chemo Champions balloon dart round
• Asking how much weight the hotel floor can hold for our baby pool, and where the floor drains are

Thanks to

• @DespicableDogs for the Chemo Champions idea
• @IRegretJumping for the splinters idea
• @omnom for the very disturbing photos
• all Patreons